Scottish Humor
A race unconquered, by her climate made bold.
But first, the most asked question:
"Is anything worn under your kilt?" to which the reply is,
"No. Everything is in perfect working order."
It is said that all Scots have a sense of humor
- because it is a free gift !
John MacDonald, who was getting on in years had unexpectedly been appointed bell-ringer in the Parish much to the surprise and delighted satisfaction of his wife. She made no secret of her pleasure and lost no time in advising all and sundry of the good news.
" Have you heard of the job my man has just gotten, " she asked her neighbors.
" No, " replied one, " what is it ? "
" The ringing of the Parish bell, " replied the proud wife.
" And what wage comes with that ? " came the vital question.
" Oh, he's very well paid, " said Mrs. MacDonald, " he gets an excellent wage and a free grave! "
A Scottish prayer - "Oh Yahweh, we do not ask you to give us wealth. But show us where it is!"
Andrew was a really good at odd jobs around the house. One day he found it necessary to call at the home of his friend and neighbor on a small matter of business. His knock at the door was answered by his friend's wife.
" Is Donald in ? " asked the visitor.
" Yes he's in, " was the reply.
" Well, can I see him, " continued the caller.
" No you can't see him," returned the wife.
" But I want to see him on a bit of business," persisted Andrew.
" Well, you can't see him. He's dead ! " came the announcement from the door.
" Was it sudden ? " asked Andrew.
" Yes very sudden, " he was informed.
" Well," continued Andrew, " did he say anything about a pot of green paint before he passed away ? "
Two brothers, both Scots, named Jock and Sandy, go into business together. At the end of the first year they try to balance their account books, but were $10.00 short. They tried again and again, but no matter which way they tried to do it, they always came out $10.00 short.
"Tell me the truth, Sandy," asked his brother, "Are you keeping a woman on the side?"
" And how is your new Minister getting on ? " the villager was asked.
" 0h fine, I think, " was the reply, " but he's hardly settled in yet. "
" But they tell me he is one of the kind that doesn't believe in Hell. "
" Well, " came the grim rejoinder, " He'll not be here long before he changes his mind. "
The day of the funeral had come and gone and the old widow was receiving a visit of condolence from some of her friends in the village who were reminding her life was indeed brief.
" It's just the way of the world, Mrs. McKay, " said one of them with some word of comfort.
" Here today and gone tomorrow ! " was the matter-of-fact reply, " just like the Circus ! "
Andrew had been busy for a long time in clearing some very rough ground as an extension to his garden. After months of toil he was at last seeing some of the fruits of his labors and, with pardonable pride, was admiring the display of blooms and vegetables when the Minister approached with a smile of approval.
" Well Andrew, " he began, " I must say that you and the Creator have between you have done a grand job on this ground. "
But Andrew was not too pleased about the division of credit.
" Maybe so, " he replied, " maybe so -- but you should have seen it when the Creator had it all to Himself. "
One day, young Andrew was making very poor progress with his rice pudding, and his mother was doing all she could to encourage him to empty his plate. As a final inducement, she reminded him that, in China, there were millions and millions of children who would be thankful for even a small plate of rice.
But the matter-of-fact Andrew was not yet convinced.
" Well, " he challenged, " name one of them ! "
A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad woman standing over him. She asks, "Would you like some food?"
The Scot hoarsely croaks, " Yes, please, I haven't eaten a bite of food for a week and I am very hungry !"
She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a basket of food. When he has choked it down, she asks, "Would you like something to drink?"
" Oh, yes ! That food has made me very thirsty and I would very much like a drink!"
She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75-year-old single-malt Scotch whiskey. The Scotsman is beginning to think that he's in heaven when the unclad woman leans closer and says, "Would you like to play around?"
" Oh, you beautiful woman, don't tell me you've got a golf course here too!"
